Laying With Your Child (to get them to fall asleep)
We’ve probably all done it. You finalllllly make it to bedtime with your toddler or preschooler and you.are.done. Perhaps it’s been a long day, or it’s the end of the week, and you’re tired. You’re ready to have some quiet after bedtime and they just won’t go to sleep. And then their little voice says:
“Lay with me, mommy!”
You’re exhausted, so surely this one time will be fine. You lay with them, they fall asleep, and then, with stealth that you didn’t know you had, you roll out of bed. Perhaps you crawl across the floor and out the door, and finally take a deep breath. It might be 10 minutes later, or it might be at 3am that a little head pops up next to your bed saying, “Hiiiiii mama!” Suddenly, your child is climbing into bed with you in the middle of the night and you’re laying with them to fall asleep every single night. Now it’s a routine, and you don’t know how to stop it.
If you enjoy laying with your child while they fall asleep, this isn’t for you. I have absolutely nothing against it if it works for your family. [Sidenote: bedsharing can be dangerous, and you can ready my tips for safe sleep here.] For real -there was a time when I would get into my son’s crib with him to get him to fall asleep (by the way, I don’t recommend this. At all). So, with all that being said – if you’re looking for a way to get your toddler or preschooler to get to sleep without you laying with them and have them stay in bed all night, here are a few suggestions.
Talk about upcoming changes. Tell them ahead of time that things will be changing. Have a countdown on the wall. Let them know that you will lay with them to fall asleep for “two more sleeps” and then you are going to help them fall asleep all by themselves.
Create a solid bedtime routine. Kids love routine. Having a predictable and structured routine can help children anticipate what is coming next and feel a sense of security. It really doesn’t matter what the routine it, but it should be relatively easy. Anyone putting your child to bed (family members, nanny, babysitter, etc.) should follow the same routine. It might be: brush teeth, bath, lotion, pj’s, three books, and goodnight. Change it to what works for your family. I have a free printable here so that kids can follow along with the routine.
Address their fears. If fear and anxiety is playing a role in their reluctance to follow a routine, talk about it. Address their fears, don’t brush them off. Spend time playing in their room (not just at bedtime!) to help them recognize that their room is a safe, fun, secure place to be. It can be scary for them if they are only in their room when mom and dad leave for the night.
Use an OK-to-Wake or Hatch light. Use a light that comes on to let them know when it is OK for them to get out of bed. Let them choose the color to give them some control. (By the way, keep the room dark at night).
Walk them back. If they come into your room during the night, walk them back to their room every.single.time. It’s exhausting, I know. You must set and hold the boundaries. And it you really think about it, it’s a safety issue to have a small kiddo wandering around the house in the middle of the night.
Help them learn to fall asleep independently. One of the biggest lessons that I learned on my sleep journey is that most often, however a child falls asleep at the beginning of the night it what they learn to depend on to fall back asleep when they wake. If you are next to them when they fall asleep, they will inevitably learn to rely on you to help them fall back asleep. If you need help figuring out how to help your child fall asleep on their own, I’d be happy to help.
As always, I’m here if you need anything. Send me an email at nikki@nikkinelsonsleepconsulting.com or find me on social media. Let’s get everyone some sleep!